I've been busy with life too... and I, too, have been somewhat slacking in school.
I just don't want to do anything anymore. All I want to do is sit there and play Harvest Moon, and I'm not even enjoying that, I'm just passing the time. I'm not sad though, I've very much content. I just don't have the passion for everything.
Tom bought be Rollerblades the other day for a Christmas present and I go on those, the guys think it's because I want to exercise, but I just want to feel like a child again (which I do) I get to hold onto that tiny part of me that still is in there. That is still innocent and carefree.
I'm afraid of change too. I get my associates next month and that scares me. Mostly because I will actually have proof that I an able to work in the line of work I'm in, even if I'm not as good as everyone else. But I know that I can do it... I'll get better with practice, but I don't want to practice... I don't want to do anything. :| I'm stuck.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I was listening to music that really inspires me, and I doodled. The song that inspires me the most is Bleed by Cold. That song makes me smile, and I told Tom that if ever I die early by some unfortunate thing then I want this song as my funeral song. He just said okay. But not in a bad way... In a "I'm actually listening to you" way. Which made me smile.
AS I was listening to music and doodling in the dark, I kept thinking about everything about those years after my grandfather died and how I still felt his presence around me at my most loneliest times. And I don't have those times where I feel him anymore because I'm never alone. I always have someone around me and the magic feels gone. I felt enchanted and special when I could feel his presence, but now... nothing. I actually miss being lonely. well, I am lonely... but not alone. Maybe when I get really good at rollerblading again, I'll skate to somewhere where I can be alone for awhile and try to get that feeling back.
I felt it strongly when we were at my old house. I felt him in my old room. He was there, watching me from the closet as we looked for some of my stuff. He was smiling, I could feel the smile.
That probably sounds crazy, but it is true. I also started thinking about my dad too last night. He is actually trying to make something better for himself. He's thinking about moving downstate and my brother will get and clean up the trailer, and Mom and Frank will do the repairs on that trailer as needed. But I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about my dad here.
I spoke with my grandmother yesterday and she said that my dad comes to visit her almost everyday and that she always makes something for him, because he's getting too thin, because he has to walk around everywhere, because he doesn't have a car. She said she asked him what he was going to do for Thanksgiving, and he said he was going over to his friend, Steven's, house. That made both her and I feel better, because I would be very sadden at that fact if he had to have Thanksgiving alone, and my grandmother would've blown the rest of the family off to make him a wonderful Thanksgiving. Which I find awesome.
I'm not really speaking to my mom at the moment because I've had enough of her not asking me how my life is going and how proud she is of me in the way that I've gone since leaving. If she doesn't want to know how her daughter is, then she can forget she even has a daughter. She did tell me that she wants to come see me walk at graduation, but I highly doubt that she's really going to come out, and if she does, I'm going to be surprised. But until then... I'm not holding my breath. I'm done talking to those who don't give a damn about me.
Anyway... I'm going to actually start on my statistics homework. I'll write more later, although It probably won't be this long. I LOVE YOU BUNCHIES!!!!! and I MISS YOU!!!!!!
You can do it! moving won't kill you ( The snow will... HA HA) but seriously.... My grandfather will protect you. Just like he's protecting everyone I love for me while I'm gone.
