feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown, and I don't know why?

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. I wish I could spend forever with you, here , there. It doesn't matter where. I've been connecting with James, and surprisingly.... we have a shit ton in common. Our pasts are very similar.

Ever since I got back though... I've been having more and more panic attacks. Tom and I talked about it last night, and he says that maybe if I wasn't so self centered they probably won't happen as much. I know I'm self-centered. That shit has stemmed from the neglect, I'm trying not to be. I mean I think about others too.

I still think that I need something other than to "Put shit in perspective and be more observant" when I have a panic attack. Honestly.... I think he doesn't want to admit that there might be something wrong. I don't think the things he suggested are going to work, but I am going to try them none the less. Mostly to prove to him that I need something other than words...

How have you been? I would very much like to come back and spend more than a night there... and drink more than I did... and maybe try other things as well. I really want to try Ecstasy or Shrooms... Something along those lines. And only with you! :) That would be fun!

I've been feeling left out a little bit too. Tom and James spend time together all the time. They go to the gym to get their fitness on, and I'm stuck home being exhausted from work. I'll be so glad when I can quit my job, then I could get more fit too. I've been limiting myself to one snack a day, as opposed to snacking all day. The sad thing is I don't have a scale anymore and it terrifies me that I don't. The last one broke from overuse. But I want to know how much I weigh, because the mirror lies. You know what I'm saying?

I've been going swimming when I can, and I love it. You know the whole insecurities thing comes into play when you have to where a bathing suit out in public when there are a ton of actually hot women around. i'm working on it though.

Thank you so much for making sure my cats are safe. Tell your mom thank you so much, and I haven't forgotten that I still owe her for driver's ed. I'll pay her back as soon as I start making the decent bucks. :) Then I'll have you move out near me... (wherever I'm living at the time, not here) so we can have drunk Karaoke together.

I've gathered more secrets that I am willing to share with you.

Most of them relay the past few weeks.

Here they are:

only it's not diagnosed...