I am selfish, and for some reason a horrible person. I don't know how I got this way. The only thing I thought of when I read your explanation was that you lied to me in a way. I was upset by that. I don't mean to be so selfish. I hate myself for it. Which in itself is selfish-ness. ><>
I realized now the reason why everything happened the way it did. You are as insecure as I am. You dismissed the love Matt did give you, because you don't think you could be ever loved like that. That is why you looked elsewhere. I get it now, but let me tell you this: You are worthy of all the love you get and return. As preachy as this is, it's true... oddly enough Flyleaf has made me realize this. Not the religious junk... just some of they're lyrics. Tom also helped me in a way to realize this.
I have made a new realization as well... I wasn't as much of an outcast, as I thought I was. Stupid teenage angst. I was actually quite popular with the druggies and those "different" people, we considered our friends. I was looking through Makayla Page's pictures on her facebook from 2006. I saw everyone we hung out with, and even saw 2 of myself. Those were the people I wanted to fit into so badly, but never felt worthy enough or cool enough to hang out with. I had fit in with that group all along, without even trying. Even though, I never did drugs, or drank back then, they liked me... I still don't see why.
I miss you so much... I can't wait until we see each other again. It will be as if we were never apart. I'll practice my art so much, that by the time I see you again. I'll be able to capture our awesome moments on paper that will live forever. Our grandkids will look at all of the pictures and be like "this is the definition of best friends". :)
When we get the money sometime, I want you and Claire and Matt to come out here, or wherever we'll be by then. I know somewhere up north, because Tom and I want our 4 seasons back. I want to be back on the east coast, it seems more artistically pleasing for me, and there are a bunch of illiterates there that Tom could make a fortune off. Also, I would like for him to go to MIT. Because he'll already be getting his masters next year, and honestly... I know he would excel at getting his PHD, or Doctorate in something. Maybe Bio-engineering. I want to see him do great things.
I also want that from you. I want you to do great things in this world. I want you to be happy. That would make me the happiest if everyone I loved so much was happy. Also, when Tom and I have the extra money, I want to fly you, Claire and Matt out wherever to help with wedding stuffs. Tom and I aren't planning anything yet, but when we do. I want you to be there to help me. even if it's over the internet. :)
I'm going to end this now. I've got that appointment this friday, and I don't know how loopy I'm going to be. Plus, I've got new equipment for my computer, I'll take pictures of it for you.
I LOVE YOU ROCKY!!!!!!
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