I'm alive, but I'm barely breathing now....

I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
Well, I hope it's gonna make you notice
Well, I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me, use somebody

I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like use somebody
Someone like use somebody
Somebody like use somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see



So we're moved in, and unpacking is an entirely different story. Tom and I can't find ANYTHING here. Which really sucks because Kellie has gone completely insane. ((She cried over coat hangers... ))

Seriously, we thought moving into a bigger apartment would get rid of the cluttered, garbage smelling feeling you get when you walk into this place, but it hasn't. Tom is now HELL bent on finding a job and saving up to finding our own place. Which is completely fine by me.

On the bright side of everything, I want to show you something I found in one of the boxes. I think you will enjoy it as much I do.



About your blog... It made me sad, but completely understanding of everything. I know how you completely feel about the abandonment issues. I have to many to count. Also about the sex thing. I think that is another reason why I don't want to have it as much. Because I am afraid of getting super close to Tom. The intimacy is the scariest part of the relationship. I love him to death (literally), and I'm still constantly afraid that he will leave me. Everyone does. It's an unavoidable thing. I often cry about it. Tom is my "One" though. I can't imagine anyone else in his place, and he says he can't imagine anyone else in my place. But still He's left me so many times, and he doesn't understand why I think the way I do. One day, I think a month ago, he was really mad, and said something about giving up. My mind instantly went to "This is it, he's going to leave me" and It immediately felt like my chest was caving in and it hurt so bad.... I stopped breathing and he noticed. He said he didn't mean it that way and held me until it stopped hurting.
After that I told him I was going to keep from placing my burdens on him and try to work things out on my own. I'm still trying. I don't want him to feel overwhelmed. I find myself falling back into the same patterns of complaining that drove him to that point. Making him think I am constantly unhappy. I am happy, but I never show it to him. Which I should. I have a very hard time communicating. I was hoping that whenever I had some time to breath I would get a chance to set up an appointment for therapy, but alas.... they fucking cut off my insurance.
I've had to cancel 5 different appointments (most of them my for my teeth,) and one of them was where they shove a tube down your throat to look into your stomach and upper intestines. I am so angry because of that. I am angry and stressed because the move has maxed out my credit card, which I need to pay off, on top of paying off all the medical bills that has accumulated because of the fact that fucking Walgreens canceled my insurance.

I honestly don't know what to do. Tom knows that I'm stressed out about all of this. Everyone is stressed out. Everyone except Steve. He gets to sit and relax in the back room drinking his beloved alcohol, while Kellie freaks out over the million boxes that still need putting away, and Tom's freaking out over her freaking out, and I'm trying to work 5 days a week, while going to school and trying to keep him happy.

I cut again, a few days ago. It was honestly an accident, but it brought back a familiar release. I felt calm, which is the same feeling I got when I started running on the treadmill, only I can't currently do that because the treadmill is sitting outside because we don't have the room for it in the apartment. I really need that room cleaned out asap, or I'm going to go crazy.

I miss you like crazy and I know what you mean about how you immediately dismiss the fact when someone says they will never leave you. I dismiss it completely too, because from all I have ever known was people leaving. That's why I am hell bent on never leaving anyone. If I can't help it physically, then I won't leave them emotionally. I talk about you constantly to Tom and hold you in the highest regards, because you are my other "One". People can have more than one specific soul-mate. I can't replace the hole your sister left when she went away, but I can nurture it. Hopefully lessen the pain some. I know you lessen the pain that my grandfather left. It makes the world feel... I don't know... there?

I always have a feeling that I wasn't meant to fully see life for what it is... if you know what I mean. The world is a harsh place, and I would much rather stay away from it. I would be content hiding away in the woods somewhere. Let the world fall apart...All I need in the world is you and Tom. You both make this world bearable. P3t3y too... I always forget about him, even though he's been there through thick and thin too.

and now... pictures of the apartment.... when Tom and I just slept in it, before we moved everything and everyone else back in.....

With Arms Wide Open....

My Dearest Roxanne,





This is for you!

I convinced Tom to take a picture with me. You can totally see my scar on my head. My dad told me a bug did that when I was little. I seriously don't remember it. I also don't remember eating my brother's friend's sister's lipstick either. I wasn't allowed in there house because they thought the sister lady might kill me. She was crazy... I wonder what happened to her.

So anyway. I've been swamped with work and school. They cancelled my insurance (which is the only reason why I'm working at Walgreens). I have to call the losers tomorrow before work, to see if there is anything I can do to get it back. I'm working 37 hours a week. I've been doing that for a month now. D: Plus going to school on my 2 days off. I never have a break for anything. To top it all off, I'm in the process of moving this weekend. I have renewed hope to find the illusive engagement ring. :D

This moving thing is pushing Tom to the breaking point though. Especially with his mom. She said that it was a great idea to have the TV in her room, so we can have more room in the living room for other things, like her china cabinet and 2 more computer desks. Tom and I will get our own patio. which'll be fun whenever I have time, because I can paint. Any who, about the TV in they're room. Tonight Kellie told Tom that she thinks it would be best if the TV was in the living room. Tom got really pissed, he didn't show it, but I saw it in his eyes. He was really angry. I know why too. It's because if the TV is out in the living room, then that means Steve will be in the living room constantly. Which means, we can't have the living room. She says she's going to get Steve off the couch, but Tom brought up a valid point. He was like "Oh like you got him to quit drinking, because that's working so well..." COMPLETE SARCASM! ( I love him :P). I agreed with him. She says one thing, but then does another. I know we're all hypocritical sometimes, but she is like that all the time when it comes to Steve.

She treats him like both a dog and a child. I mean, she prepares his meals, and washes his clothes while he just sits and ferments on the couch. I mean, if we are watching something in the living room and he comes home from work and sees the living room is occupied. He will go into they're room and sulk. It's pathetic. Plus Kellie is crazy from all the stress... Tom and I don't even want to be in the same room with her for more than a few minutes. We love her, but Damn... she doesn't listen.

Tom and I were being awesome and bought a few groceries for the house, and some water, and She went out the same day and got different water because she didn't like how the other water tasted. She also bought a bunch of groceries too, and different orange juice because the one we bought didn't have pulp and had calcium in it. It always has to be her way. Everything does. She's selfish like that. I feel rude for saying that because she's done so much for us, but damn... Tom and I have reached the point where we cannot wait for Tom to start making the big bucks to get the hell out of here.


:)

I can't wait for the future... it's going to be fucking sweet.

I will convince Tom to live back on the East coast... and it will be close enough to travel by car. My next goal is to get my license. :P Tom's going to teach me how to drive the new truck we got from his grandfather.

I'll send you pictures of it in an e-mail. it seriously is perfect (for me :P) it's small for Tom, he's cramped in it. lol.

I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU!!!!! WRITE BACK SOON!

New Perspective

We're moving next week. During the Time of Darkness for me. I will be sad that week, but happy at the same time.

My new Address is pretty much the same thing except the apartment number. Which will now be 3014, instead of 2411. So by Next week, if you still haven't sent the awesome goodies by then, that is where my new address will be.

I'm excited about this because maybe now, I will be able to find my engagement ring. :)

I am also getting fillings done tomorrow morning. The first two out of five done. Then Tom and I will be cleaning the apartment for the rest of the day. I also have to schedule in time to run. I decided that if I want to look good in a bathing suit by June, I have to step up my game.
I ran today, but after I ate a whole box of maceroni and cheese and plus a bunch of other junk. I feel bad and completely ruined the whole point of exercising, but Tomorrow is a new day.

I miss you and sorry to make this short. I need to go to bed. I am exhausted.
I LOVE YOU! thank you for the birthday post... it made my life. :D

<3