It's Hard To Say

My dearest Roxanne,

I found a song I want to dance to Tom with when he and I get married. He doesn't really care anyway about the music, so it's going to be mostly what I like. The song is It's Hard to Say by The lovely Used. <3>

I got my monitor and Cd/DVD burner, now all I need is my tablet and I'll be able to make lovely art again. Although, I have to do a final first, but I can finish that in about an hour.

I'm having my HIDA scan tomorrow morning. I'm not nervous yet, but still very much excited. It's going to hurt, especially when they are going to inject me with this CCK stuff to make my gallbladder contract, but not like double over in pain hurt, just cramp age hurt. I have to lay still for about 2 ish hours, and that will bother me, because I love to fidget. I'll just chit-chat with the radiologist about life. I did that with the nurse when I had to drink barium. We talked about when I was little, and she guessed right away when I said I threw up a lot when I was little, she said "are you lactose intolerant?" and I was like "O_o yes..." lol. Is it weird that I went from being scared to enjoying being there?

It's the same for needles. Granted, I still can't watch them go in my skin, but the tiny amount of pain feels good now. I think it's because I haven't cut in almost a few months. I don't mind if someone else hurts me, because I'm not doing it to myself. I don't know if that makes any sense. If I do need to have my gallbladder taken out, and I don't have the pain anymore, I'm going to miss it. I don't know why I feel I need to hurt, and I'm sick of whining about being sick. I've decided to stop. no more whining. If I whine in future postings, tell me.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to get started on my final, either that or play the Sims 3 until my tablet arrives.

I MISS YOU AND HOPE YOUR DAY GOES WELL!

Tell me everything...

Love,

Your Silly Jenny Sister :P

Break Your Knees...

My dearest Rocky,

I am selfish, and for some reason a horrible person. I don't know how I got this way. The only thing I thought of when I read your explanation was that you lied to me in a way. I was upset by that. I don't mean to be so selfish. I hate myself for it. Which in itself is selfish-ness. ><>

I realized now the reason why everything happened the way it did. You are as insecure as I am. You dismissed the love Matt did give you, because you don't think you could be ever loved like that. That is why you looked elsewhere. I get it now, but let me tell you this: You are worthy of all the love you get and return. As preachy as this is, it's true... oddly enough Flyleaf has made me realize this. Not the religious junk... just some of they're lyrics. Tom also helped me in a way to realize this.

I have made a new realization as well... I wasn't as much of an outcast, as I thought I was. Stupid teenage angst. I was actually quite popular with the druggies and those "different" people, we considered our friends. I was looking through Makayla Page's pictures on her facebook from 2006. I saw everyone we hung out with, and even saw 2 of myself. Those were the people I wanted to fit into so badly, but never felt worthy enough or cool enough to hang out with. I had fit in with that group all along, without even trying. Even though, I never did drugs, or drank back then, they liked me... I still don't see why.

I miss you so much... I can't wait until we see each other again. It will be as if we were never apart. I'll practice my art so much, that by the time I see you again. I'll be able to capture our awesome moments on paper that will live forever. Our grandkids will look at all of the pictures and be like "this is the definition of best friends". :)

When we get the money sometime, I want you and Claire and Matt to come out here, or wherever we'll be by then. I know somewhere up north, because Tom and I want our 4 seasons back. I want to be back on the east coast, it seems more artistically pleasing for me, and there are a bunch of illiterates there that Tom could make a fortune off. Also, I would like for him to go to MIT. Because he'll already be getting his masters next year, and honestly... I know he would excel at getting his PHD, or Doctorate in something. Maybe Bio-engineering. I want to see him do great things.

I also want that from you. I want you to do great things in this world. I want you to be happy. That would make me the happiest if everyone I loved so much was happy. Also, when Tom and I have the extra money, I want to fly you, Claire and Matt out wherever to help with wedding stuffs. Tom and I aren't planning anything yet, but when we do. I want you to be there to help me. even if it's over the internet. :)

I'm going to end this now. I've got that appointment this friday, and I don't know how loopy I'm going to be. Plus, I've got new equipment for my computer, I'll take pictures of it for you.

I LOVE YOU ROCKY!!!!!!

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, N-O!

If you stay, you have to quit college??! NO! don't stay... bettering yourself is better than being someone's property until trust is relinquished. I mean look at this example, what if he doesn't want to trust you again and all that stuff has just gone to shit.

No, you deserve to better yourself. You are more than just a housewife with a daughter, you need to make your life better so that Claire can have a better life.

So What if Steven is there, big deal. Yes, he's the start in all of this, but you wanted to go to college for you, not because of some guy. Matt may think that's the main reason, and it probably is now, because Steven makes you feel good, because you have that emotional connection with him that Matt didn't really help establish with you.

Yes, Matt is also afraid to lose you, but think about it, it's kind of his fault. He didn't want to go to therapy with you. He didn't want to sort through his problems, in order to help you with yours. He didn't support you emotionally and that's all there is. Relationships can't exist if there is no emotional connection there.

I think you are doing the right thing here, just get out of there and try it. Matt and you can work on it from a distance. Please don't worry too much about it. You are doing something good. You are allowed to be a little selfish.

*************************************************************************************************

Update on my world in this desert:

Tom and I didn't take that new job, and as soon as I get more money somehow, I'll get you that tablet and myself one too. The job is basically grunt work. It destroyed Tyler, and he's pretty physically fit. Plus it had all these Mexicans who didn't even try to speak an ounce of English.

Yeah, I'm not hanging out with the slum of the desert. I'm not up to destroying myself for money.

I think I'm getting slightly better with this cold. It doesn't rattle when I lay down anymore. My nose is pretty stuffed up, and I haven't ate much lately, because I get fuller faster now. One stuffed cheese shell is enough to fill me up. D:

I have to get rid of my "love handles", and when I do, I guess I'll look like Emily De Ravin. That's what Tom said anyway. I wish I could get better, so I can work out again. I'm so tired all the time. Work wears me out all the time. I mean half-way through my shift I nearly pass out on the register. Mostly out of sheer boredom but also because I'm so tired.

That's all there really is going on in my life... nothing exciting.

I miss you terribly and can't wait to see you this summer. Maybe You and Claire can come bowling with me and Auzzy. :) He can teach Claire how to bowl. lol

I love you sister from another mister.

Make Up Smeared Eyes

My dearest Rocky,

I can't decide if my cold is getting better or worse... you can hear the rattling in my chest when I'm laying down. It scares me, but I'm tired.. tired of hospitals, tired of doctors, and tired of needles.

But the odd thing is, I want to get high... High off some from of drug. It's like I'm addicted to something that I've never even tried before. I want to lose control again. Everything here is happening so fast. I can barely soak it all up, take it all in. I'll barely be in contact with anyone once I start this new job. I'll be working for 6 days a week for 12 hours at a time... but the pay... the pay will be wonderful. I'll be able to buy a wacom tablet (which is what I want for my birthday) so I can try to paint in Photoshop like Bloodchikin on Deviantart can.

I've been addicted to the song "Break Your Knees" by Flyleaf.... this line makes me think of our friendship and what has been trying you lately.

Steadfast my love
the end is near
Just keep your eyes ahead
Grab hold of me
Ill help you there
Youre never on your own
Youre never all alone

I long to be there with you, to help you with the packing, to be there when you cry. I wish you were here to help me too. Tom has been the support system here, and I'm sick of having him always pick up the pieces. It seems like everyday he has to pick up something. I feel him getting annoyed with the fact that I am always upset. I am never happy, no matter what. I feel that I don't deserve to be his because I'm not smart enough and I don't fit in with his friends because of that fact. I talk to James at work all the time. He's a guy that looks like a girl. He's very funny to hang out with, but when I leave Walgreens, I'll be all alone again. They are not you.

I wish that someday you could come out to where ever Tom and I will be someday and live by us. Be our neighbor or even live in the same town. I long for that to happen, that way we can keep in touch a hell of a lot better than we have been doing. Someday, I want to make that happen. once I get better at my art, and I long to make it in a magazine. I want to buy you a house. I want to buy everyone I love a house, but mostly just you and my grandmother. It's the least I could do after all you and she have given me in this life.

When Tom and I start planning a wedding, we'll have enough money so I can ship you out here to help me with the planning and such. You and Claire, and Matt... if you guys are back together by then, or whomever you end up with.

I miss you terribly, I cannot wait to see you and claire. I can't wait to replay memories and sing old words.

I leave you with the rest of the lyrics to Break Your Knees by Flyleaf...

This will be on the list of our songs.

BREAK YOUR KNEES by FLYLEAF

Breaks your knees and leaves you so
The sun can burn you up
and wear you out
Its an angry summer

Theres no room to smile
When the face you make
just before you cry looks so young
like a child

The sun will set on this, my dear
Your labors arent in vain
Youre blistered and youre burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal

Life on earth will end for all concieved
and prove to be only a breath,
a mist, a womb for whats to come
how soon forever arrives

The sun will set
on this, my dear
Your labors arent in vain
Youre blistered and youre burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal

Steadfast my love
the end is near
Just keep your eyes ahead
Grab hold of me
Ill help you there
Youre never on your own
Youre never all alone

Life on earth will end for all concieved
and prove to be only a breath
a mist, a womb for whats to come
How soon forever arrives

Breaks your knees and leaves you so
the sun can burn you up
and wear you out
Its an angry summer

Dont look at the past again
The first and last has made everything new
and you are too
so lift your hands
and let your story be told

Life on earth will end for all concieved
and prove to be only a breath
a mist, a womb for whats to come
How soon forever arrives

The sun will set
on this, my dear
Your labors arent in vain (forever arrives)
Youre blistered and youre burned from it
Your wounds are gonna heal (forever arives)

The sun will set
on this, my dear
Your labors arent in vain

The sun will set
on this, my dear
Your labors arent in vain
(Life on earth will end for all concieved
and prove to be only a breath
a mist, a womb for whats to come)
How soon forever arrives

February 12th, 2010

I had my surgical consult today, I sat there and was poked in the ribs by her fingers. Looking over my chart she said that she believes that it's my gallbladder causing me all this pain and that I must have A HIDA scan. I found what I have to do for that scan. This is what the website says:

In this test, a radioactive material called hydroxy iminodiacetic acid (HIDA) is injected into the patient. The radioactive material is taken up by the gallbladder to measure gallbladder function. This test also is referred to as cholescintigraphy.

I'm super excited for this: for once I get to feel like a superhero. lol.

I believe that once I get this thing out of me, if I do need it taken out. My life will be back to normal and I will finally figure out how to live as a normal healthy human being.