Your hand was always mine.....

As  it stands... I am the only one awake in this household at this time. James is moving away this Thursday and it breaks my heart to see him go. We have gotten close, like brother and sister, and I feel like I'm losing my connected soul here. I mean, it's terrifying at how much stuff we have in common. He is my person to talk to when I am angry at Tom. He gets me. He is the male version of me. It's funny to think that when we were in middle school we hated each other, but now that we are older and a little bit more mature (figuratively speaking), we both understand that in order to be in Tom's life, we both just needed to laugh about the past and see the similarities between us.

If that makes any sense.

I'm so excited about my new job. I completely bombed the interview with the dean. She didn't want to hire me after I was too honest with her about my now previous boss, but Chelsey (the career services lady) wanted me anyway and told the dean so. She said that it was still a really awesome quality in me that I was honest. Anyway... my job will be 18-20 hours a week, and it's 10 dollars an hour. I have to look for my birth certificate... it's in my starry wallet. Wherever that is. I'l find it before Monday.

Oh Next week, Tom has an interview for the Head IT position for DeVry, which will be awesome. He hopes he gets the position, but James and I know for a fact that he's going to get the job. Which means more money coming in, so we can both pay off our credit cards, and other items of need.  After he pays off both our credit cards, he's going to help me pay for my wisdom teeth. I have $300 saved up, I need another $1700.

Another cool thing that will happen when Tom gets this job is He will start paying his mom $300 every month, and I will be able to give her $100 every month. The reason is because I was having a conversation with her, and I found out that James only got to pay $200 every month, so I asked Kellie why he only got to pay her $200 a month when I had to pay roughly $400 a month. Her answer: "Well, you are  paying for both Tom and you to live here..." That made me mad, because I have to write IOU's for my brothers because I can't buy their presents until after Christmas, and I'm going to be late sending presents because I don't have the money to send anything at this point in time. I have to wrap stuff still, Which I will do tomorrow because I'll be bored in between laundry, and discussions for  my classes.

My new years resolution is to lose 29 lbs, and be more healthier. I know what I have to do and how I have to do things in order to lose the weight by June. The reason I want to lose that much by June is because My mom is talking about coming out to visit me along with my brother James (Mike won't get on a plane... he's afraid of them). I don't want my mom to mention anything about my weight because she's done that enough in the past. She's called me fat on more then one occasion, and if she does show up and I  look as if I could pick her up and bench press her over my head ( with lean muscle, not Arnold Schwarzenegger size) then she won't say anything. My Goal weight is 110 pounds, which is still really healthy.
My goal is to look like this:

Yeah I know it's Emilie De Ravin... but you know She's awesome... and she's my height and my goal weight, so I think it's perfect. Plus Tom said that if I lost weight I would look like her.

anyway... my brain is losing it's brain like substance due to sleepiness. I'll write more later. I LOVERS YOU SISTER!!!!!!!

<3

My thoughts are strange just like the things I used to love....

I've been busy with life too... and I, too, have been somewhat slacking in school.

I just don't want to do anything anymore. All I want to do is sit there and play Harvest Moon, and I'm not even enjoying that, I'm just passing the time. I'm not sad though, I've very much content. I just don't have the passion for everything.

Tom bought be Rollerblades the other day for a Christmas present and I go on those, the guys think it's because I want to exercise, but I just want to feel like a child again (which I do) I get to hold onto that tiny part of me that still is in there. That is still innocent and carefree.

I'm afraid of change too. I get my associates next month and that scares me. Mostly because I will actually have proof that I an able to work in the line of work I'm in, even if I'm not as good as everyone else. But I know that I can do it... I'll get better with practice, but I don't want to practice... I don't want to do anything. :| I'm stuck.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I was listening to music that really inspires me, and I doodled. The song that inspires me the most is Bleed by Cold. That song makes me smile, and I told Tom that if ever I die early by some unfortunate thing then I want this song as my funeral song. He just said okay. But not in a bad way... In a "I'm actually listening to you" way. Which made me smile.

AS I was listening to music and doodling in the dark, I kept thinking about everything about those years after my grandfather died and how I still felt his presence around me at my most loneliest times. And I don't have those times where I feel him anymore because I'm never alone. I always have someone around me and the magic feels gone. I felt enchanted and special when I could feel his presence, but now... nothing. I actually miss being lonely. well, I am lonely... but not alone. Maybe when I get really good at rollerblading again, I'll skate to somewhere where I can be alone for awhile and try to get that feeling back.

I felt it strongly when we were at my old house. I felt him in my old room. He was there, watching me from the closet as we looked for some of my stuff. He was smiling, I could feel the smile.

That probably sounds crazy, but it is true. I also started thinking about my dad too last night. He is actually trying to make something better for himself. He's thinking about moving downstate and my brother will get and clean up the trailer, and Mom and Frank will do the repairs on that trailer as needed. But I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about my dad here.

I spoke with my grandmother yesterday and she said that my dad comes to visit her almost everyday and that she always makes something for him, because he's getting too thin, because he has to walk around everywhere, because he doesn't have a car. She said she asked him what he was going to do for Thanksgiving, and he said he was going over to his friend, Steven's, house. That made both her and I feel better, because I would be very sadden at that fact if he had to have Thanksgiving alone, and my grandmother would've blown the rest of the family off to make him a wonderful Thanksgiving. Which I find awesome.

I'm not really speaking to my mom at the moment because I've had enough of her not asking me how my life is going and how proud she is of me in the way that I've gone since leaving. If she doesn't want to know how her daughter is, then she can forget she even has a daughter. She did tell me that she wants to come see me walk at graduation, but I highly doubt that she's really going to come out, and if she does, I'm going to be surprised. But until then... I'm not holding my breath. I'm done talking to those who don't give a damn about me.

Anyway... I'm going to actually start on my statistics homework. I'll write more later, although It probably won't be this long. I LOVE YOU BUNCHIES!!!!! and I MISS YOU!!!!!!

You can do it! moving won't kill you ( The snow will... HA HA) but seriously.... My grandfather will protect you. Just like he's protecting everyone I love for me while I'm gone.

Buried Alive

Just because I can and we both love Q and A's.

Pads or Tampons:

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite food?

If you could pick one profession for your daughter what would it be?

How would our friendship be different if your sister didn't pass away?

What do you think we would've done if we had managed to run away to Presque Isle?

Where do you think we would be if we actually made a band and stuck with it?

If you had to think of the perfect television friendship to describe us, who would they be and why?

What would be our song?

What is your favorite candle scent?

What do you miss most about the few years you attended high school?

What is your favorite season?

What is your favorite memory of high school?

What is your favorite memory of Middle school?

What is your ultimate goal in life?

If you had to spend the rest of your life on a deserted Island with only 3 people who would they be and why?

If you could relive one day over what would it be?

If I died tomorrow, what would you say at my funeral?

If you had infinite money, where would you travel to?

What was your first career choice when you were little?

Who is the most influential person you know?

Who is your hero?

(I don't think the two questions are related...)

Which member from NSYNC would you just love to fuck?

Which member from the Backstreet Boys would you love to fuck?

Which female pop singer was your favorite way back when?

What is your favorite movie?

What is your favorite songs from the above Bands?

okay... my mind ran out of questions for the time being.....

NOW ANSWER THEM!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU!

Come break me down

As funny as that picture is... that is exactly how i feel at the moment. I blame the PMS mostly... also the restless ness I feel for still being in one place for too long. Yes I'm talking about being here in Nevada, Being stuck at Walgreens, Being here at this apartment and feeling like nothing is moving forward.

I feel as though It's always going to be like this, that we are never going to leave here and it gets me angry. I feel like I am stuck in a corner, and I feel threatened. I feel like Kellie was giving me attitude all day. I haven't done anything to her. I feel like she is taking advantage of Tom and I. Tom because he cleans the dishes all the fucking time and cleans the apartment, but still kind of gets crap when He doesn't do dishes on Sunday when Kellie has the whole fucking day off and she fucking makes the mess.

Now I feel bad because She pays all the bills, and she cooks for us, and buys groceries. But I don't think it's very fair that her fucking boyfriend gets to sit on his fat fast food of an ass and does nothing except drink and watch tv.... then she complains to us and tells us we need to do this to eliminate the electric bill, or do this to save water so we don't bring up the water bill. I get she's freaked out by this but she leaves her computer on all the fucking time and also leaves the fucking kitchen light on for hours when there isn't any one in the room.

*sigh* I want to move... I want to get on with my life... I want the future to start now... that's the depressing part. I need the future to start as soon as possible so I don't go crazy and kill something. I want to get on with everything. I'm getting my associates next summer, and I am definitely going to quit Walgreens by then... but get this... Kellie wants me to keep the fucking job. I am not going to be stuck at Walgreens for the rest of my fucking life. I'm not a piece of trash. I am better than that.

Speaking of Walgreens... I have to go... I have to work in the AM... on the bright side, I'm opening with Michelle and she always gives me something to do so I'm not kill myself bored. I have to speak with Bob to cut my hours so I can focus more on school and have more of a home life.

It's Your Birthday :)

from your sugar coma!

He's come by to wish you birthday LOVES!

It's like I'm in flight...

I LOVE ORANGE JUICE WITHOUT THE PULP!

you know why? well do you?

Because under the caps of the wee little bottles, they have codes and depending on how much you drink and save of the caps, you can get free stuff and discounts on other stuff. I just downloaded a ballet workout for free, it originally cost $11.99. I'm finally going to be able to do ballet. That's been a dream of mine since I was little.

I can't wait. I'll get fit by doing that, and Seamus (James Bland) confirmed that it will be a good workout for me. It'll help me get coordinated to. So I won't be so clumsy and get more graceful.

i'm so excited. I don't have time to do it right now, since I have to work in half an hour, but I'll definately try it tonight when I get home from work. I'm so excited.

Work is going to be a little bit boring tonight, mainly because the person I'm training will be at the register and I'll be just standing there, watching. I like having stuff to do, but I also like training people because it makes me feel a little superior. I also feel superior in the fact that I'm number one in my store for suggestive sell (That's when we get customers to buy something on impulse, I'm very good at it). I've sold over $200 worth, last week, by myself. Other co-workers of mine asked me how I did it, I've got nothing to tell them other than I just ask and they buy. One co-worker said that they just feel sorry for me. that was Liz, no one likes her at the store anyway, mostly because she's rude... She's not very nice.

Anyway... tell me your awesome feeling news....

I WANNA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL... anyway... I best edit some of my paper... it's due tomorrow night, I think... D:

I LOVE YOU!!!! hearing you be happy makes me a million kinds of happy.

Because I love the way it hurts....

My god... What did you do?

That's all I'm thinking at the moment. You are not a failure, this is just an obstacle, it's just something to get over.

He will forgive you for whatever it is you've done.

You are not a monster, no matter how you feel right now. This too shall pass.

I'm being mega cliche, but what else can I say?

What can I do for you to make this easier? I will do anything to not see you hurting, I would lock you up so you wouldn't hurt yourself, You are not allowed to get stuck in your head, I'm locking you out.

If only it was that simple...

I wish I was there to hug you and just sit with you while we split a giant bottle of Vodka and just chill, so you wouldn't feel alone now.

Everything happens for the reason, maybe. Maybe... That's all there is. Everything is a maybe.

I'm here, and I apologize for not writing more. I'm swamped at work, and exhausted, and everything. I wish Tom had a job already, so I can quit Walgreens and focus more on school. This job is too much, I don't care how much it pays. It's not worth it, if I can't communicate with you.

I Love you... Please don't be hard on yourself. you are my sister-soul-mate.

LOVEY

TO:

How are things going with you on the everything front?

I know everything is going to turn out fine in the end. :)

Things here are bleh-ish. My period was 2 days late and it freaked me out, although... I have nothing to worry about since Tom doesn't go anyway when we have sex, and I take my pill religiously. I have been more stressed than usual though, with work, and home.

Kellie is going insane, and it's driving all of us insane. She's puttering around in the kitchen singing oddly as we speak.

I hear thunder in the background, it's awesome.

I'm putting off doing homework. ><>

I made a signature though, for Tom and Tyler's WOW server website. It's at the bottom of the page.

I can make you one, if you want. we can have them as our signatures on here.

I enjoy doing that.

How are things with you? have you devised a plan yet?

I wish you could move out here, there are plenty of Jobs here for you to have ( no... not a stripper, although they make awesome money). And Tom can watch Claire >.> <.<

Matt can move out here too, he could find a bachelor pad here somewhere. That way: Claire won't have to travel across the country to see him.

I have to actually start my homework now... because by the time James' girlfriend and her mom get here, I have to open the window shade behind my computer and it hurts my eyes. ( Kellie wants it that way, even though she fucking knows that I can't do my homework with painful eyes and I can't stay up tonight to get homework done. I have to work in the morning, but... she doesn't care about that shit.)

anyway... I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Lovey

Nothing exciting going on here at on the other side of the united states. I'm tired as all hell, because our fan broke and the neighbors upstairs have regular wrestling matches in the middle of the night. I have to work in the morning now because Tresia works in Cosmetics tomorrow morning tomorrow and Thursday.

On the bright side... I get paid this weekend. Which I need to pay off a few things, but other than that... What would you like for your birthday? I can get you the wacom tablet you wanted, or something else.

Also I'm going to start saving up for Xmas presents.

I'll write more later, I'm just really tired and I think that I'm going to take a nap...

:) Keep your chin up lovey.

<3

Meet You There

So... I've just been sitting here attempting to work on my pro's and con paper for my English class, but I am distracted.

How are you doing? I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope everything is as okay as it can be, considering the circumstances. What have you decided upon?

Whatever you decide, just know that It's better to do whatever now, while Claire is still young and won't remember it, than to not do something and have it done later when it could actually emotionally scar her.

I love you Sister, and hope that all turns out well for you in the end. Don't ever feel as though you are alone in this world, because you have me here to catch you if ever you fall. :)

feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown, and I don't know why?

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. I wish I could spend forever with you, here , there. It doesn't matter where. I've been connecting with James, and surprisingly.... we have a shit ton in common. Our pasts are very similar.

Ever since I got back though... I've been having more and more panic attacks. Tom and I talked about it last night, and he says that maybe if I wasn't so self centered they probably won't happen as much. I know I'm self-centered. That shit has stemmed from the neglect, I'm trying not to be. I mean I think about others too.

I still think that I need something other than to "Put shit in perspective and be more observant" when I have a panic attack. Honestly.... I think he doesn't want to admit that there might be something wrong. I don't think the things he suggested are going to work, but I am going to try them none the less. Mostly to prove to him that I need something other than words...

How have you been? I would very much like to come back and spend more than a night there... and drink more than I did... and maybe try other things as well. I really want to try Ecstasy or Shrooms... Something along those lines. And only with you! :) That would be fun!

I've been feeling left out a little bit too. Tom and James spend time together all the time. They go to the gym to get their fitness on, and I'm stuck home being exhausted from work. I'll be so glad when I can quit my job, then I could get more fit too. I've been limiting myself to one snack a day, as opposed to snacking all day. The sad thing is I don't have a scale anymore and it terrifies me that I don't. The last one broke from overuse. But I want to know how much I weigh, because the mirror lies. You know what I'm saying?

I've been going swimming when I can, and I love it. You know the whole insecurities thing comes into play when you have to where a bathing suit out in public when there are a ton of actually hot women around. i'm working on it though.

Thank you so much for making sure my cats are safe. Tell your mom thank you so much, and I haven't forgotten that I still owe her for driver's ed. I'll pay her back as soon as I start making the decent bucks. :) Then I'll have you move out near me... (wherever I'm living at the time, not here) so we can have drunk Karaoke together.

I've gathered more secrets that I am willing to share with you.

Most of them relay the past few weeks.

Here they are:

only it's not diagnosed...

Lifeless words carry on...

And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words carry on
But I know, all I know
Is that the end's beginning

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run
I will not be silenced
All this time spent in vain
Wasted years, wasted gain
All is lost, hope remains
And this war's not over

There's a light, there's the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died
Tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

****************************************************************************************************

When I was younger

I saw my daddy cry

And curse at the wind

He broke his own heart

And I watched as he tried to reassemble it

And my mama swore

That she would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love If it does not exist

But, darling, you are the only exception

But you are the only exception

But you are the only exception

But you are the only exception

Well, maybe I know somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now, I had sworn to myself

That I'm content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

*****************************************************************************************

Sorry, I'm not writing much, but we will see each other next week. We'll catch up then. Honestly. These are the songs that make me think about your last journal.

I know that they say that you can't honestly love someone until you can love yourself first. I will tell you, that it isn't completely true. I am still learning to tolerate myself on a level deemed comfortable. but I still love Tom completely with everything I have. I love him more than I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that I love you too unconditionally without loving myself completely. If anything happened to you two ( and also my grandmother) I would be beside myself. I wouldn't know what to do.

I'm nervous about seeing everyone again. It's no longer my home and I won't feel like I belong there. I'm just passing by. I want to stay the night with you. :) Karaoke it up like we used to. Maybe I can stay after the BBQ? I miss singing. I haven't sang in a long time. I haven't had the inspiration to, and when I want to sing people are sleeping, so I can't. I can't wait to see you again. I feel as though it's going to be like I never left. Like we will pick up where we left off.

You don't have to worry about me mentioning anything to Petey.

Oh, I can't drink, I just thought you should know. The alcohol has gluten in it. I can't handle gluten. So I can't have normal food anymore... well most normal food. Grammy asked me about it today. She said that after I explained to her my symptoms and how much better I feel without the gluten ladened foods, she said that it must've been what was wrong with me when I was little, the reason I constantly threw up and refused to eat. She said it all made sense. I said that too.

Tom asked me to try to drink milk and eat dairy products now that I'm on gluten free diet. I said I would try because some of the symptoms of celiac disease is lactose intolerance. I'm up to one glass of milk (straight) and two bowls of cereal without getting the tummy rumbles and sick feeling. At the moment, I think I pushed my limit because my stomach is hurting. I'm working on it though. Petey said it can take up to 6 months to a year before I feel completely better and not get the stomach pain on the milk.

But hell, It's progress. I'm trying to get in shape and this time I'm serious. I weigh 140... :( but honestly... I think some of it's muscle. I'm trying. Yesterday (which is when I restarted) I ran on the treadmill for 10 minutes ( actually, it was more of walk/run/walk/run/walk) and then rode a mile on the bike machine and then went swimming for an hour. I felt really good afterwards. It was fun. I like to go swimming. I feel free there. I was born by the ocean, I think I want to die by the ocean someday.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this all about me. I'm still selfish too. We all are at this age. We're 21, still young adults. You and I are still stuck though in early teenager-land. We both got trapped there at young ages by tragedies, and we are slowly trying to catch up to the rest of the pack. I am years behind Tom in maturity... but at the same time, I'm not. You are the same way.

Anyway, I better end this... I don't want to run out of things to say when I see you. I'm so excited to see you! I know that you feel the same. I want to hug you!

Oh... one more thing.... Tom had a dream that it was his birthday, and I ditched him to hang out with you. D: It made me laugh when he told me it. I was like "Hellz yes, I would ditch you. Roxanne is WAYYYYYY cooler than you are" xP He chuckled...

anyway. I LOVE YOU!!!!! SEE YOU TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY!

P.S.

Until We Bleed

I'm naked

I'm numb

I'm stupid

I'm staying

And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'

Lights black; heads bang

You're my drug

We live it

You're drunk, you need it

Real love, I'll give it

So we're bound to linger on

We drink the fatal drop

Then love until we bleed

Then fall apart in parts

You wasted your times

On my heart

You've burned

And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too

Doors slam

Lights black

You're gone

Come back

Stay gone

Stay clean

I need you to need me

So we're bound to linger on

We drink the fatal drop

Then love until we bleed

Then fall apart in parts

Now we're bound to linger on

We drink the fatal drop

Then love until we bleed

Then fall apart in parts

You quit smoking? That makes me so happy to hear it. but it sucks that it was the cause of you sleeping regularly.

Anyway, If he is throwing in the towel on the relationship, then it's best to move on. Go back to your parents awhile until you save up enough money to get your own apartment. Maybe he needs time alone to get over the paranoia that he can't let go of. It's his problem that he doesn't believe that all you did was kiss Steven. He's lost trust, and It takes awhile to get that trust back. But to keep accusing you of doing stuff that you are not doing and constantly blaming you for things that don't even exist, that's a little much. If Tom did shit like that to me, I would be gone. I don't have very many friends here, but I would find somewhere else to go until I got myself back on my feet again. You don't deserve this. Seriously.

You can get on with your life, he's already given up any hope of an "Us", and since he's perfectly comfortable being the way he is and thinks he doesn't need therapy to help him sort out his mess, then that is his problems. You have your own life to move on to. Getting your degree, making a better life for you and your daughter.

In all honesty, from my point of view... things aren't going to change until someone leaves. If he refuses to change, then It is seriously time to leave.

Maybe it's the fact that I barely slept last night, myself, that is making me this outspoken. What do your parent's think about all of what's been going on?

I want you to know though, how super proud I am of you. When I lived there, both my gram (who loves you immensely by the way) and my dad (well... you know how he is...) said that I shouldn't be your friend because you were not going to amount to anything. But I never listened to them, because they didn't see what I saw in you. You were the sister I never had, and I hope I've lessened the pain of the loss of your sister ( not completely erase the memory of her... because that would completely suck). I knew you would be something someday, and I still believe it. You and I, we were meant for great things. Only... we just don't know how to come about these great things.

I LOVE YOU!

Therapy anyone?

Like I said... he needs to go to therapy to work out those issues.

The sleeping issue, as I remember, started long ago... you would sleep all day at my house :P And I remember staying at your house and I would remember being awake for hours before you ever woke up. You were like the sleeping fiend.

Why would he suspect drugs? do you do anything more than pot? or is he just paranoid. because again, all of the issues he has can be worked through with therapy. It would benefit you both. If you work through it with the help of that, it will make things better, or worse, depending.

Maybe he's finally giving up and throwing in the towel on the marriage. That one incident might've cost the whole thing. I'm sorry if I upset you with this, but I think it might be true. Even though it's his problem that he can't accept that you did it once and won't do it again, but it's also your fault too... You are both at fault. But he needs to communicate his problems one way or another. It's ridiculous that he won't tell you whats wrong. That isn't how relationships of any kind work.

Sorry, I'll write more later.... Four weeks until I see you! I can't wait!

Here is a song for you:

Because you are my sister/soulmate. :)

This is my new favorite song....

Broken Wings...

Thank you for being such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life,
And have I ever told you how much you mean to me?
Oh you're everything to me
Thinking all the time how to tell you what I feel,
Contemplating phrases....I'm gazing at eternity,
I am floating in serenity...

And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't leave just yet
Can you stay a moment please
We can dance together
We can dance forever

Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream

So close your eyes, but don't dream too deep
And please pass me some memories
And when I fall you're underneath
1000 broken hearts, carried by 1000 broken wings

I apologize for not updating sooner, but I've just been in a writing funk.

well, that's not true.... I've just been in that type of mood where you don't want to do anything.... I've been like that for a while now. The only thing I want to do is sit in front of this computer and rot my brain on this game called My Tribe. ><>

Anyway.... What exactly was the truth serum... it's not drugs I hope. Because that is pretty fucking retarded of him to drug you into telling the truth, even though you told him the truth. It's his own fucking issues that won't let him trust you and seriously... He needs therapy for that. He really does.

I don't know how things are going with you since you wrote your last entry, but I hope things are good. we both suck at updating this... but trust me... if anything was important enough going on in my life, I would let you know by phone call instead of this...

And if you want to call me ( I can't call long distance from my home phone, only can receive) I'll be home tomorrow (Wednesday and Thursday). I have a day off then.

House To Wilson

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

I'm alive, but I'm barely breathing now....

I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
Well, I hope it's gonna make you notice
Well, I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me
Someone like me, use somebody

I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like use somebody
Someone like use somebody
Somebody like use somebody

I've been roaming around, always looking down at all I see



So we're moved in, and unpacking is an entirely different story. Tom and I can't find ANYTHING here. Which really sucks because Kellie has gone completely insane. ((She cried over coat hangers... ))

Seriously, we thought moving into a bigger apartment would get rid of the cluttered, garbage smelling feeling you get when you walk into this place, but it hasn't. Tom is now HELL bent on finding a job and saving up to finding our own place. Which is completely fine by me.

On the bright side of everything, I want to show you something I found in one of the boxes. I think you will enjoy it as much I do.



About your blog... It made me sad, but completely understanding of everything. I know how you completely feel about the abandonment issues. I have to many to count. Also about the sex thing. I think that is another reason why I don't want to have it as much. Because I am afraid of getting super close to Tom. The intimacy is the scariest part of the relationship. I love him to death (literally), and I'm still constantly afraid that he will leave me. Everyone does. It's an unavoidable thing. I often cry about it. Tom is my "One" though. I can't imagine anyone else in his place, and he says he can't imagine anyone else in my place. But still He's left me so many times, and he doesn't understand why I think the way I do. One day, I think a month ago, he was really mad, and said something about giving up. My mind instantly went to "This is it, he's going to leave me" and It immediately felt like my chest was caving in and it hurt so bad.... I stopped breathing and he noticed. He said he didn't mean it that way and held me until it stopped hurting.
After that I told him I was going to keep from placing my burdens on him and try to work things out on my own. I'm still trying. I don't want him to feel overwhelmed. I find myself falling back into the same patterns of complaining that drove him to that point. Making him think I am constantly unhappy. I am happy, but I never show it to him. Which I should. I have a very hard time communicating. I was hoping that whenever I had some time to breath I would get a chance to set up an appointment for therapy, but alas.... they fucking cut off my insurance.
I've had to cancel 5 different appointments (most of them my for my teeth,) and one of them was where they shove a tube down your throat to look into your stomach and upper intestines. I am so angry because of that. I am angry and stressed because the move has maxed out my credit card, which I need to pay off, on top of paying off all the medical bills that has accumulated because of the fact that fucking Walgreens canceled my insurance.

I honestly don't know what to do. Tom knows that I'm stressed out about all of this. Everyone is stressed out. Everyone except Steve. He gets to sit and relax in the back room drinking his beloved alcohol, while Kellie freaks out over the million boxes that still need putting away, and Tom's freaking out over her freaking out, and I'm trying to work 5 days a week, while going to school and trying to keep him happy.

I cut again, a few days ago. It was honestly an accident, but it brought back a familiar release. I felt calm, which is the same feeling I got when I started running on the treadmill, only I can't currently do that because the treadmill is sitting outside because we don't have the room for it in the apartment. I really need that room cleaned out asap, or I'm going to go crazy.

I miss you like crazy and I know what you mean about how you immediately dismiss the fact when someone says they will never leave you. I dismiss it completely too, because from all I have ever known was people leaving. That's why I am hell bent on never leaving anyone. If I can't help it physically, then I won't leave them emotionally. I talk about you constantly to Tom and hold you in the highest regards, because you are my other "One". People can have more than one specific soul-mate. I can't replace the hole your sister left when she went away, but I can nurture it. Hopefully lessen the pain some. I know you lessen the pain that my grandfather left. It makes the world feel... I don't know... there?

I always have a feeling that I wasn't meant to fully see life for what it is... if you know what I mean. The world is a harsh place, and I would much rather stay away from it. I would be content hiding away in the woods somewhere. Let the world fall apart...All I need in the world is you and Tom. You both make this world bearable. P3t3y too... I always forget about him, even though he's been there through thick and thin too.

and now... pictures of the apartment.... when Tom and I just slept in it, before we moved everything and everyone else back in.....