I.... told Tom everything about how I was feeling last night. I cried like I've never cried before. I described things as best I could with my lack of communication skills. I told him about everything I've been feeling since I was little. How everyday is a constant struggle. How lonely I am despite all he's done and how much he means to me and how he doesn't fully understand that fact.
I wanted to start my 21st year freer than the last. I feel a little sense of freedom now... but I'm still trapped under all this dirt in my head. I told Tom that when my grandfather died, I went with him and that I am just now trying to dig myself up out of the grave. I am often tired because of it and frequently want to give up on everything. I let him know how magical it was when I watched myself bleed. I talked like I was a crazy person. It felt good to talk like that.
I cried about my supposed "family" and how my dad is making a tiny effort now that I'm gone. I asked him why I wasn't important enough for them to stick around, I asked Tom why didn't my family love me as much as they loved James. Is it because on this day, My birthday, that I forced them into bankruptcy with my being born. Is it because I eventually am the one to blame for my mom gaining all that weight and resenting me for it? Or is it because they knew, that I was meant for great things and didn't want to stand in my way.
Tom agreed to invite them to our wedding, but I told him if one show's up the other won't stay. That's what they are good at... Leaving. I asked Tom if we can almost set a date. He said yes. I picked October 24. No year yet, just October 24. That is the day He and I got back together. That was the day I begun to dig myself out of my grandfather's grave.
I love you Rocky... You, Tom and my grandfather.... you guys were the first ones to care way back then, and I love that you still do now. I have all I want for this birthday. You guys make me feel alive. :) I never want to lose you at all. EVER.
This is an amazing song that actually described exactly what I told Tom. I found it the day after I told him.
here are the lyrics.
I'm Alive by Story Of A Year
In the night I sit alone
Lifeless to the world I know
Faith loss long ago
In this graveyard I'm calling home
Carved into the stone
A diary of broken bones and
Words I should've known
But this grave's too deep to ever make it up
I'd do anything, anything
Just to feel like I could reach the ground
I'd do anything ,anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down
In the night I sit alone
The stars rain on the world below
Beg me to explode
But these dreams I keep are nowhere to be found
I'd do anything, anything just to stop
This weigt from pressing down
I'd do anything anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound
I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down
Deep enough so that I'll never feel again
From beneath and in chance in breaking scale
I'm giving in
All the promise of smiles and happiness
That's a dream I'm not willing to admit
I'm not ready yet
To face regret
No I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready yet
No.. No.. No..
I'd do anything now
So spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound
I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
Tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I've lost my engagement ring. It is nowhere to be found. I am devastated by this. It upsets me so much. Tom and I tore the apartment apart looking for it. I blame my self whole heartedly. He says he handed it back to me, but I have no clue as to where I put it afterward. All Tom said after he says that's it's no where in the house, he said "Oh well... there is $750 down the drain." It's like that's all he cares about is how much it cost... I cared about it's meaning, and now that I don't have it... I don't feel as important anymore. Plus the guilt from losing it is crushing me.
I've been crying for the past few days. I've scrapped my hands against the outside of the building of Walgreens, letting my knuckles bleed, because I can't stand myself right now. I can't turn off the thinking process.
I know Tom blames me, even though he says he doesn't. I know he does. I lose everything, because I'm messy, because I'm unorganized. No matter how hard I try, I can't keep things straight. I can't keep my mind straight, and thus everything around me is disorganized and cluttered. I want my ring back. I know it's here somewhere... It has to be, I didn't take it out of the room. It's not there though. We looked everywhere multiple times. We throughly searched everywhere.
I can't even walk in that room without looking somewhere I've looked a thousand times.
I don't know... this just sucks... :(
I've been crying for the past few days. I've scrapped my hands against the outside of the building of Walgreens, letting my knuckles bleed, because I can't stand myself right now. I can't turn off the thinking process.
I know Tom blames me, even though he says he doesn't. I know he does. I lose everything, because I'm messy, because I'm unorganized. No matter how hard I try, I can't keep things straight. I can't keep my mind straight, and thus everything around me is disorganized and cluttered. I want my ring back. I know it's here somewhere... It has to be, I didn't take it out of the room. It's not there though. We looked everywhere multiple times. We throughly searched everywhere.
I can't even walk in that room without looking somewhere I've looked a thousand times.
I don't know... this just sucks... :(
Monday, March 15, 2010
Well, I guess it's a time of change here in this household. Kellie was given her two weeks notice at her job and is searching for a new job. Lets keep our fingers crossed that she gets one really soon, so we can get a house before James gets here. This is the house we want to rent.
Also Tom and I were walking around sears and picking out everything we wanted when we live on our own someday. We picked out the best fridge, the best stove and such. We picked out the best of everything, even this bed that is amazing ( the mattress was so comfy). I'll link you the picture.
It's something like this: but with the shapes like this:
While we were busy picking this out, we came across the baby section. While we were wondering Tom asked me that when ever we have kids someday, if we should have a baby shower or not. I told him I didn't really want one, and a look of relief came on his face. Mostly because We are really picky people, and I hate baby showers. The games are lame, and all the showers I've been to, the person who was giving birth to their child already had everything she wanted and just wanted to rub it in her friends face at how expensive everything she got for her child was. I think it's really pathetic. I'm not going to have one. Maybe just a get together before the child is born like a last non parent party... lol. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I asked my grandmother to make Claire a baby blanket, even though she almost a toddler. She seemed to like the idea. So She's going to make you a baby blanket, that I can give to you when I come up :)
Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I've been under the radar, stuck under School as well as work. Bob added another Friday to my schedule, which means I'll be uber stressed to the point where I know I'm going to get sicker. D: I'm going to ask him not to add anymore fridays to the schedule for me, because I need that one day to unwind from EVERYTHING, and catch up on everything at once.
I should be doing homework now, but you know what. I have to work tonight, so I don't want to do anything else to add to that stress. ><
I'll let you know more later. when I actually have something to write about. I'm sucking at spelling and it is infuriating me.So I'll talk to you soon.
Also Tom and I were walking around sears and picking out everything we wanted when we live on our own someday. We picked out the best fridge, the best stove and such. We picked out the best of everything, even this bed that is amazing ( the mattress was so comfy). I'll link you the picture.
It's something like this: but with the shapes like this:
While we were busy picking this out, we came across the baby section. While we were wondering Tom asked me that when ever we have kids someday, if we should have a baby shower or not. I told him I didn't really want one, and a look of relief came on his face. Mostly because We are really picky people, and I hate baby showers. The games are lame, and all the showers I've been to, the person who was giving birth to their child already had everything she wanted and just wanted to rub it in her friends face at how expensive everything she got for her child was. I think it's really pathetic. I'm not going to have one. Maybe just a get together before the child is born like a last non parent party... lol. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I asked my grandmother to make Claire a baby blanket, even though she almost a toddler. She seemed to like the idea. So She's going to make you a baby blanket, that I can give to you when I come up :)
Sorry, I haven't written in awhile. I've been under the radar, stuck under School as well as work. Bob added another Friday to my schedule, which means I'll be uber stressed to the point where I know I'm going to get sicker. D: I'm going to ask him not to add anymore fridays to the schedule for me, because I need that one day to unwind from EVERYTHING, and catch up on everything at once.
I should be doing homework now, but you know what. I have to work tonight, so I don't want to do anything else to add to that stress. ><
I'll let you know more later. when I actually have something to write about. I'm sucking at spelling and it is infuriating me.So I'll talk to you soon.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
My dearest Rocky,
The book is just my thoughts, kinda of like this, except I bring it with me everywhere. Writing down my thoughts at work, I can write them while I'm on the floor. No one tells me no there, the costumers love me enough to wait until I finish my thought. It's usually just a few seconds wait, because I leave in the middle of a sentence, singing the rest of it in the back of my brain until there is no more line. No more duty to fulfill.
As it turns out, I don't need surgery. My gallbladder is normal, as is my liver. I should be completely thrilled about this, and believe me, I am. At the same time, I'm crushed because I still don't know what's causing my pain and making me sick. Kellie and Tom think it's a great idea for me to eat yogurt for a few weeks... I think it's bogus. It's not really going to help. Doctors are bogus. I seriously could diagnosis myself without wasting all this money. All I need is the equipment.
I saw Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3D, early this morning (around 12:15am) and I thought it was good. Johnny Depp could've played the Mad Hatter a little better. That's all I'll tell you because I don't want to spoil it for you for when you see it.
Your compliments about my writing made me smile profoundly. I love your writing too. You, too, are poetic. We should make a book together (not with the added LOTR, and million bands in it). Combine our stories, make millions cry, make them smile, make them believe that best friends can do anything together (even have adventures) from a distance. I pretend I'm in different places all the time. Reality is just to unreal for me. I close my eyes and I am in a field in the 1900's, dancing in my shift barefoot. Letting the dirt crust my feet. It's cold and comforting. That is my happy place. I am free there. Free from the real world. You are there, dancing as well, as is Tom.
Have you ever thought that you were born in the wrong century? Maybe that is what our book could be about. Us in real life, and Us in the 1900's? What do you think? How would it go? We could be immortal on the pages of the book, even when we in fact aren't immortal ourselves. Not like stupid vampires, like pages of two best friends, in two different centuries, together but apart. You get what I'm saying?
I best end this before I fall asleep on the keyboard. I'm so sleepy from last night.
I loved the video of you and Claire that P3t3y put up... It made everything feel better. I love you guys so much, and I don't know what I would do without you. Even if you are not here physically, it's the thought of you guys that keeps me going through the days. You, P3t3y, Claire, Tom and Gymmy (Whom I've been texting like crazy ever since I got his new cell phone number.)
Can't wait to hear back...
LOVE YOU SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!
~Jenny
The book is just my thoughts, kinda of like this, except I bring it with me everywhere. Writing down my thoughts at work, I can write them while I'm on the floor. No one tells me no there, the costumers love me enough to wait until I finish my thought. It's usually just a few seconds wait, because I leave in the middle of a sentence, singing the rest of it in the back of my brain until there is no more line. No more duty to fulfill.
As it turns out, I don't need surgery. My gallbladder is normal, as is my liver. I should be completely thrilled about this, and believe me, I am. At the same time, I'm crushed because I still don't know what's causing my pain and making me sick. Kellie and Tom think it's a great idea for me to eat yogurt for a few weeks... I think it's bogus. It's not really going to help. Doctors are bogus. I seriously could diagnosis myself without wasting all this money. All I need is the equipment.
I saw Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3D, early this morning (around 12:15am) and I thought it was good. Johnny Depp could've played the Mad Hatter a little better. That's all I'll tell you because I don't want to spoil it for you for when you see it.
Your compliments about my writing made me smile profoundly. I love your writing too. You, too, are poetic. We should make a book together (not with the added LOTR, and million bands in it). Combine our stories, make millions cry, make them smile, make them believe that best friends can do anything together (even have adventures) from a distance. I pretend I'm in different places all the time. Reality is just to unreal for me. I close my eyes and I am in a field in the 1900's, dancing in my shift barefoot. Letting the dirt crust my feet. It's cold and comforting. That is my happy place. I am free there. Free from the real world. You are there, dancing as well, as is Tom.
Have you ever thought that you were born in the wrong century? Maybe that is what our book could be about. Us in real life, and Us in the 1900's? What do you think? How would it go? We could be immortal on the pages of the book, even when we in fact aren't immortal ourselves. Not like stupid vampires, like pages of two best friends, in two different centuries, together but apart. You get what I'm saying?
I best end this before I fall asleep on the keyboard. I'm so sleepy from last night.
I loved the video of you and Claire that P3t3y put up... It made everything feel better. I love you guys so much, and I don't know what I would do without you. Even if you are not here physically, it's the thought of you guys that keeps me going through the days. You, P3t3y, Claire, Tom and Gymmy (Whom I've been texting like crazy ever since I got his new cell phone number.)
Can't wait to hear back...
LOVE YOU SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!
~Jenny
Monday, March 1, 2010
My dearest Rocky,
I really had nothing to fear over the Hida scan. The only time it really hurt was when the radiologist ripped off the tape that was holding my IV down. After he injected me with the CCK stuff (which makes my gallbladder contract.) my arm started to hurt. I watched him inject me with the radioactive stuff... It was in a metal syringe. He was really nice. He made me laugh by acting shy about asking me to take off my belt. Which wasn't really a big deal laying down. I had to hold onto my pants getting up though, since I've lost weight (I've lost 4 more pounds this past week). I've been so sick to my stomach lately, that I barely eat. Tiny bits here and there. I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy either, which could be part of the problem, but at this point even healthy food isn't settling well with my insides. I find out Friday, if I need surgery or not. I'm really hoping I do. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop being sick. I want to feel normal.
I feel myself slipping. Into What? I don't know. All I know is that most days, before I fall asleep for the little time that I do. I just want to lay there and cry about everything and nothing. I attribute it mostly to feeling awful on the inside all the time. I no longer want to celebrate my birthday even though it's the big 21! big whoop. It's not like I really have people here to celebrate it with anyway. I asked Tom to ask Tyler and Cody if they wanted to go bowling and eat pizza the weekend of my birthday, I know they hate bowling, but Tom says that they'll go just because it's my birthday. They are probably going to be talking about their Everquest 2 the whole time, so I'm going to try my hardest to kick their asses at bowling. They are my friends, but at the same time, they aren't. They are Tom's friends. I really don't have any here. None that I hang out with. Maybe when James gets here, He'll give me someone to talk to that knows what it's like to feel sad and away from family. I wish it was you and P3t3y though. But James will have to do for the time being.
Speaking of friends, there is this girl that lives in my apartment complex. She comes into the store on occasion and she's really nice and fun to talk to. The only problem is she looks remarkably like Bri. She wants to be my friend, but I don't know if I could be. Mainly because I would just be her friend because she looks like Bri, but at the same time, I really could care less if she looks like Bri, She's really nice. I don't know her name, I'll find it out next time I see her. Also her boyfriend looks like Gerard Way... no JOKE. He had his hair dyed platinum a few weeks ago and I had to do a double take to make sure he wasn't the real Gerard way (He's skinnier than the real Gerard). He dyed his hair back to it's normal color, as did the Bri-look-alike (both brown). I want your opinion on this, should I befriend them? Maybe just remain acquaintances because Tom and I will be moving out of the state in four years time. Am I purposely making myself miserable by not making any friends. I mean, James from work is my friend, but I don't invite people over and just the overall of having friends here is exhausting. I love the friends I do have (even if you guys live so far away) and don't find it exhausting in the least bit. It's just the prospect of actually getting to know someone new and trying to get them to like me, and earn their trust that is exhausting.
i'm writing you a book here, I don't care, I've been thinking a lot in the past few days, I've been falling, as I've said earlier in this post. Every time I see an elderly person at my work, I immediately long to climb upon his lap like a child and have him tell me stories about the good ol' days and about his childhood. They make me think about my grandfather, it's been almost 6 years. It was 6 years on February 14th that I last hugged him. Since I last heard his voice, heard him laugh. Call me "Jenny, Jen, Jen" I miss him terribly. I often wonder what he thinks of me now, getting out of Caribou, trying to make something for myself in this big city. I wonder all the time, every time I do something "would he approve? what would he think? Would he like this?" I won't do anything that I figured he won't approve of. I still hold highly what my grandparent's think, they are in fact my mom and dad. :)
I think I'm going to end this for tonight. I've written a lot, I'll write more someday, when I have time. I've got work from saturday-tuesday, and class from Wednesday-Thursday... the only days off I have are Fridays... :/
I'll write as soon as I can.
I LOVE YOU! SILLY SISTER!
I really had nothing to fear over the Hida scan. The only time it really hurt was when the radiologist ripped off the tape that was holding my IV down. After he injected me with the CCK stuff (which makes my gallbladder contract.) my arm started to hurt. I watched him inject me with the radioactive stuff... It was in a metal syringe. He was really nice. He made me laugh by acting shy about asking me to take off my belt. Which wasn't really a big deal laying down. I had to hold onto my pants getting up though, since I've lost weight (I've lost 4 more pounds this past week). I've been so sick to my stomach lately, that I barely eat. Tiny bits here and there. I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy either, which could be part of the problem, but at this point even healthy food isn't settling well with my insides. I find out Friday, if I need surgery or not. I'm really hoping I do. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop being sick. I want to feel normal.
I feel myself slipping. Into What? I don't know. All I know is that most days, before I fall asleep for the little time that I do. I just want to lay there and cry about everything and nothing. I attribute it mostly to feeling awful on the inside all the time. I no longer want to celebrate my birthday even though it's the big 21! big whoop. It's not like I really have people here to celebrate it with anyway. I asked Tom to ask Tyler and Cody if they wanted to go bowling and eat pizza the weekend of my birthday, I know they hate bowling, but Tom says that they'll go just because it's my birthday. They are probably going to be talking about their Everquest 2 the whole time, so I'm going to try my hardest to kick their asses at bowling. They are my friends, but at the same time, they aren't. They are Tom's friends. I really don't have any here. None that I hang out with. Maybe when James gets here, He'll give me someone to talk to that knows what it's like to feel sad and away from family. I wish it was you and P3t3y though. But James will have to do for the time being.
Speaking of friends, there is this girl that lives in my apartment complex. She comes into the store on occasion and she's really nice and fun to talk to. The only problem is she looks remarkably like Bri. She wants to be my friend, but I don't know if I could be. Mainly because I would just be her friend because she looks like Bri, but at the same time, I really could care less if she looks like Bri, She's really nice. I don't know her name, I'll find it out next time I see her. Also her boyfriend looks like Gerard Way... no JOKE. He had his hair dyed platinum a few weeks ago and I had to do a double take to make sure he wasn't the real Gerard way (He's skinnier than the real Gerard). He dyed his hair back to it's normal color, as did the Bri-look-alike (both brown). I want your opinion on this, should I befriend them? Maybe just remain acquaintances because Tom and I will be moving out of the state in four years time. Am I purposely making myself miserable by not making any friends. I mean, James from work is my friend, but I don't invite people over and just the overall of having friends here is exhausting. I love the friends I do have (even if you guys live so far away) and don't find it exhausting in the least bit. It's just the prospect of actually getting to know someone new and trying to get them to like me, and earn their trust that is exhausting.
i'm writing you a book here, I don't care, I've been thinking a lot in the past few days, I've been falling, as I've said earlier in this post. Every time I see an elderly person at my work, I immediately long to climb upon his lap like a child and have him tell me stories about the good ol' days and about his childhood. They make me think about my grandfather, it's been almost 6 years. It was 6 years on February 14th that I last hugged him. Since I last heard his voice, heard him laugh. Call me "Jenny, Jen, Jen" I miss him terribly. I often wonder what he thinks of me now, getting out of Caribou, trying to make something for myself in this big city. I wonder all the time, every time I do something "would he approve? what would he think? Would he like this?" I won't do anything that I figured he won't approve of. I still hold highly what my grandparent's think, they are in fact my mom and dad. :)
I think I'm going to end this for tonight. I've written a lot, I'll write more someday, when I have time. I've got work from saturday-tuesday, and class from Wednesday-Thursday... the only days off I have are Fridays... :/
I'll write as soon as I can.
I LOVE YOU! SILLY SISTER!
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