My dearest Rocky,
I really had nothing to fear over the Hida scan. The only time it really hurt was when the radiologist ripped off the tape that was holding my IV down. After he injected me with the CCK stuff (which makes my gallbladder contract.) my arm started to hurt. I watched him inject me with the radioactive stuff... It was in a metal syringe. He was really nice. He made me laugh by acting shy about asking me to take off my belt. Which wasn't really a big deal laying down. I had to hold onto my pants getting up though, since I've lost weight (I've lost 4 more pounds this past week). I've been so sick to my stomach lately, that I barely eat. Tiny bits here and there. I haven't eaten anything remotely healthy either, which could be part of the problem, but at this point even healthy food isn't settling well with my insides. I find out Friday, if I need surgery or not. I'm really hoping I do. I want the pain to stop. I want to stop being sick. I want to feel normal.
I feel myself slipping. Into What? I don't know. All I know is that most days, before I fall asleep for the little time that I do. I just want to lay there and cry about everything and nothing. I attribute it mostly to feeling awful on the inside all the time. I no longer want to celebrate my birthday even though it's the big 21! big whoop. It's not like I really have people here to celebrate it with anyway. I asked Tom to ask Tyler and Cody if they wanted to go bowling and eat pizza the weekend of my birthday, I know they hate bowling, but Tom says that they'll go just because it's my birthday. They are probably going to be talking about their Everquest 2 the whole time, so I'm going to try my hardest to kick their asses at bowling. They are my friends, but at the same time, they aren't. They are Tom's friends. I really don't have any here. None that I hang out with. Maybe when James gets here, He'll give me someone to talk to that knows what it's like to feel sad and away from family. I wish it was you and P3t3y though. But James will have to do for the time being.
Speaking of friends, there is this girl that lives in my apartment complex. She comes into the store on occasion and she's really nice and fun to talk to. The only problem is she looks remarkably like Bri. She wants to be my friend, but I don't know if I could be. Mainly because I would just be her friend because she looks like Bri, but at the same time, I really could care less if she looks like Bri, She's really nice. I don't know her name, I'll find it out next time I see her. Also her boyfriend looks like Gerard Way... no JOKE. He had his hair dyed platinum a few weeks ago and I had to do a double take to make sure he wasn't the real Gerard way (He's skinnier than the real Gerard). He dyed his hair back to it's normal color, as did the Bri-look-alike (both brown). I want your opinion on this, should I befriend them? Maybe just remain acquaintances because Tom and I will be moving out of the state in four years time. Am I purposely making myself miserable by not making any friends. I mean, James from work is my friend, but I don't invite people over and just the overall of having friends here is exhausting. I love the friends I do have (even if you guys live so far away) and don't find it exhausting in the least bit. It's just the prospect of actually getting to know someone new and trying to get them to like me, and earn their trust that is exhausting.
i'm writing you a book here, I don't care, I've been thinking a lot in the past few days, I've been falling, as I've said earlier in this post. Every time I see an elderly person at my work, I immediately long to climb upon his lap like a child and have him tell me stories about the good ol' days and about his childhood. They make me think about my grandfather, it's been almost 6 years. It was 6 years on February 14th that I last hugged him. Since I last heard his voice, heard him laugh. Call me "Jenny, Jen, Jen" I miss him terribly. I often wonder what he thinks of me now, getting out of Caribou, trying to make something for myself in this big city. I wonder all the time, every time I do something "would he approve? what would he think? Would he like this?" I won't do anything that I figured he won't approve of. I still hold highly what my grandparent's think, they are in fact my mom and dad. :)
I think I'm going to end this for tonight. I've written a lot, I'll write more someday, when I have time. I've got work from saturday-tuesday, and class from Wednesday-Thursday... the only days off I have are Fridays... :/
I'll write as soon as I can.
I LOVE YOU! SILLY SISTER!
Monday, March 1, 2010
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