Where is it you want to go?

I.... told Tom everything about how I was feeling last night. I cried like I've never cried before. I described things as best I could with my lack of communication skills. I told him about everything I've been feeling since I was little. How everyday is a constant struggle. How lonely I am despite all he's done and how much he means to me and how he doesn't fully understand that fact.

I wanted to start my 21st year freer than the last. I feel a little sense of freedom now... but I'm still trapped under all this dirt in my head. I told Tom that when my grandfather died, I went with him and that I am just now trying to dig myself up out of the grave. I am often tired because of it and frequently want to give up on everything. I let him know how magical it was when I watched myself bleed. I talked like I was a crazy person. It felt good to talk like that.

I cried about my supposed "family" and how my dad is making a tiny effort now that I'm gone. I asked him why I wasn't important enough for them to stick around, I asked Tom why didn't my family love me as much as they loved James. Is it because on this day, My birthday, that I forced them into bankruptcy with my being born. Is it because I eventually am the one to blame for my mom gaining all that weight and resenting me for it? Or is it because they knew, that I was meant for great things and didn't want to stand in my way.

Tom agreed to invite them to our wedding, but I told him if one show's up the other won't stay. That's what they are good at... Leaving. I asked Tom if we can almost set a date. He said yes. I picked October 24. No year yet, just October 24. That is the day He and I got back together. That was the day I begun to dig myself out of my grandfather's grave.

I love you Rocky... You, Tom and my grandfather.... you guys were the first ones to care way back then, and I love that you still do now. I have all I want for this birthday. You guys make me feel alive. :) I never want to lose you at all. EVER.




This is an amazing song that actually described exactly what I told Tom. I found it the day after I told him.

here are the lyrics.
I'm Alive by Story Of A Year


In the night I sit alone
Lifeless to the world I know
Faith loss long ago
In this graveyard I'm calling home
Carved into the stone
A diary of broken bones and
Words I should've known

But this grave's too deep to ever make it up
I'd do anything, anything
Just to feel like I could reach the ground
I'd do anything ,anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound

I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down

In the night I sit alone
The stars rain on the world below
Beg me to explode
But these dreams I keep are nowhere to be found
I'd do anything, anything just to stop
This weigt from pressing down
I'd do anything anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound

I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down

Deep enough so that I'll never feel again
From beneath and in chance in breaking scale
I'm giving in
All the promise of smiles and happiness
That's a dream I'm not willing to admit
I'm not ready yet
To face regret
No I'm not ready yet
I'm not ready yet

No.. No.. No..

I'd do anything now
So spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound

I'm alive
But Im barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down
I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
Tread my lungs into the ground
Lay me down